Sometimes in my own head it feels like I purposely set up a friendship to fail. In some ways I definitely did, I can take ownership of that because the friend did exactly as I anticipated, and knowing that part of me feels responsible for helping push the wheel in motion. But they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I had to push this wheel to confirm what I knew was already true. That our friendship had been over for awhile and I was simply being used because I didn’t want to end something I put so much of myself into.
It was a ten year “friendship” that really centered around our careers, my wanting to be a photographer, him wanting to be a performer and the journey toward making it happen. But in the beginning it wasn’t just pure ambition blindly leading us and forging a friendship, we invested the hours and learned about each other.
But as things go with growing success the friendship became more business, the investment in each other turned slowly more and more to projects to grow our careers and not keeping a healthy relationship.
I am as guilty as my friend, I can own up to it, though I recognized it and tried to correct my behavior so it felt less surprising that I knew more about his life, his goals, his family, his stresses than he knew about mine in the end. After all I asked, and I listened. He did too but rushed my responses and I could tell didn’t truly listen to me as he parried into his next ask for his business growth.
See in the end I heard from him only when he needed my skills and services. And I resented that, deeply. I stopped reaching out because I was mad I was a mere second thought only when he had use of me. That resentment built into remarks and pressing for payments and things I needed for my business.
Yet they were summarily ignored until it finally cumulated in the conversations, the hurtful words that started the chain of events to not just breaking the friendship but burning the bridge entirely with each other.
Words are a deeply powerful thing, as are actions, I always believed in this friend and wanted to see his success as much as my own so I never put a price tag on my work. I never once charged him. But this last time he asked what he owed after we had been fighting and I wanted to show him my value in terms he would understand since the decade of work for him was so easily tossed under the bus with his words “you never do what I ask, just what you think is best.” (As if in an artistic medium what is asked is what always works the best 🙄).
I was hurt, and hell I was pissed off over those words so I made up a bill for our last and final photoshoot. A bill that wasn’t a fraction of what I would charge my normal clients, it was discounted because “friends” and because I was truly curious as to if he would actually pay it.
Turns out he wouldn’t, but would tell me my work wasn’t worth the mere two hundred and odd dollars I was asking. It was at that point I knew my value to him only mattered in one being good at what I did and two giving it to him because we are friends.
And from that is how the true breaking occurred. How I decided if he needed to see my true value then I would charge him as if he was a client who wasn’t a friend, a business client intending to use my work for his profit. Read about it in the excerpt from my book Glass Eyes: A Photographers Journey, which is available online with all major retailers.
“One of the darkest realities of being a photographer is discovering someone you thought was a friend is in fact not a friend, but rather a user who has been taking advantage of your heart, generosity, and skills for many, many years. It is not uncommon as a photographer for friends and family to ask us to use our skills to take photographs for them. We mostly accept this as a reality of life and because we are nice, we will often do it at a discount.
Saying no to friends and family is something many photographers struggle with. We also get used and do a lot sessions for free because they are family. Truthfully, family and friends who support you should always be willing to pay, even if you are not asking them to. It shows they, value, support, and wish to help you succeed. I personally think it’s a red flag when your talent and skills come to be expected and not valued by those closest to us. It is a user’s behavior that we should be willing to jump on a project for them without any real benefits to ourselves. I realized this too late and it caused me massive pain in the process.
For a decade I have built up my skills as a photographer, built up my business by learning, by gaining new equipment, and dedicating hours of my life to this passion. I have developed a supportive community and friends willing to battle beside me against theft and the many hardships of being a photographer. But I also had friends willing to use me and my work.
So, what makes a photographer step away from a decade of networking, building and friendship? The honest answer is that everyone will have a different breaking point from what my own personal one was. Ultimately for me, it was the outgrowing what came to light to be a parasitic friendship.
The true nature of this friendship became known in March of 2021 when an argument about interfering in the running of my business broke out of a graphic design contract. This so-called friend was going behind my back to talk to my clients, telling them the work wasn’t marketing worthy, and then contacting me telling me the very same clients hated what I was doing but didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me. I am not one to shy away from critical feedback and approached these clients directly to find out what they weren’t liking, what they were wanting specifically, and being told that they loved the work I was creating.
What a mixed message! I mentioned this friend who said they were contacting him saying it wasn’t what they wanted and they informed me that they did no such thing— for context this friend introduced these clients and helped in arranging the shoot location and time. We had been friends for a decade, and i had been working with him just as long, and here he was trying to micromanage my business because he didn’t like the work I was doing for another client. I was angry, I was frustrated, and most of all, I was professional in my way of handling it. He turned it into a nightmare through his feelings and lies, causing me to approach clients and try and change what I was doing because of his interference.
I ended up telling the clients that with him trying to influence and manage the work I was doing, that I was getting too many mixed messages and was no longer comfortable doing the work for them. I requested that they sign a waiver saying they would not have others try to replicate proof designs I had sent them for approval and refunded their money. In general, they were understanding about the situation and were happy with their full refund.
Had it ended there , maybe after time to cool down I could have remained friends with the instigator of that entire debacle, but it got much worse. The same day I did the shoot for the clients he interfered with , I also took some marketing images for him— which I had sent to him for proofing before any of the above went down.
He then told me the images of him weren’t that good and he could only use one so he would give me ten dollars for it and not pay the actual invoice he was billed. To say I was angry would be an understatement, but I chose not to engage as it is understood that not paying your bill means no photos. Well, he stole the proof images, manipulated them, and proceeded to create commercial marketing for his own business.
The very same person who has spent a decade listening to me about copyrights, and the anguish I have gone through turned around and did it to me, I can only assume intentionally. So now what do I do? I can’t respond in anger because he will make me the bad guy, I can’t call him out on social media because the rebound on my business would be bad, I can’t functionally go after him in court because his significant other is the provider and he has no real income or assets to speak of. What do I do?
To find out more purchase your copy of Glass Eyes: A Photographers Journey Now! Available online with all major book retailers. ”